A THOUSAND WRONG TURNS—ONE MOMENT OF GRACE

I broke a thousand times before I fell because that’s what it took for me to reach for His grace.

A thousand wrong turns, a thousand broken promises, a thousand tears led me to one moment of grace.

Every time I broke, I swore it would be the last time. Lying in the rubble of shattered promises, of guilt and shame, I swore I’d never fall back into the darkness. And every time I meant it. 

I meant it until the moment I chose not to. And it was a choice. I know that now. Unconsciously or willingly, I chose to pick up that drink. I chose to starve my body. I chose deception over truth every time. 

For decades. 

Willingly oblivious to the pain I was causing others. Consciously blinded to the destruction I was leaving in my path. I needed that destruction so that I could continue to choose the darkness. I needed the excuse. It was my escape. 

And I needed it. 

I broke a thousand times before I finally fell.

And I hit the ground hard. On my knees. Paralyzed and unable to go any further. I knelt in the carnage of my choices. In the rubble of my unkept promises. Drowning in my brokenness. 

There was nowhere for me to go, no light at the tunnel’s end, and no peace for a soul such as mine. There was nothing, because without my brokenness, I was nothing. 

That was the lie I believed.

The lie had served its purpose well. It had overpowered my soul and weakened my connection to the light within me. It was that moment of acknowledgement, of seeing the lie for what it was, of feeling the presence of that small flame of truth within me trying desperately not to die, that changed everything. 

I grabbed onto that light with both hands and surrendered to the seed of hope it planted; to the warmth and the promise of rest it offered.

I surrendered everything.

And that too was a choice. A choice I had, up until the moment I made it, believed was beyond my reach. For so long, I had chosen darkness. Was there anything more for me to lose if I chose the light instead?

No. Walking out of the darkness was as simple and as hard as stepping into the light. 

In the light, everything is exposed. And that had been my greatest fear all along. Once exposed, once seen, I could no longer turn a blind eye to the truth. I could no longer ignore the roots beneath the surface or the lies I’d believed because they’d served me. 

It was the beginning. 

Surrender unlocked the door.

The hard work still lay ahead of me. But I was not alone. 

Surrender meant stillness. Allowing God’s grace and mercy to fill me. Allowing His light to guide me. Not just in the moment, but again, and again, and again. 

It also meant dying to myself. Giving over all of me, my past, my present, my future. Giving up all I thought I was, for all He had made me to be. 

Surrender meant believing. Believing in His plan for me. Stepping firmly and without fear onto the path He placed before me. Believing even when it meant not knowing the answer. 

It meant resting on faith. And God did not turn away from me. He walked beside me, lifting me, strengthening my spirit, and protecting me every step of the way. 

In times of trouble, He’s my shelter. When I doubt, He’s my certainty. In times of turmoil, He’s my peace.

It’s been almost a decade since that day—the day I fell.

Almost a decade since I picked up a drink and starved my body. Almost a decade since I chose deception over truth.

And still, I don’t fear moments of weakness. I don’t fear the past or tomorrow. I accept what is and trust in what will be. And I have faith that God’s love for me is greater than anything that stands before me. 

One Moment of Grace

You ask me how I made it 

through the darkness. 

I fell to my knees. 

Allowed His grace to cover me. 

He did not turn away.

Instead, He took my hand,

lifted my eyes,

and showed me the way. 

JN Fenwick (© 2026)

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JN Fenwick | mothjournal14 | ©2026 | All rights reserved. | I DO NOT WALK THIS RECOVERY JOURNEY ALONE.