I bless the broken wilderness that led me into the arms of Amazing Grace.
I was lost in the wilderness for a long time, battling demons, caged by my past, and suffocating under the weight of my own guilt and shame. This story isn’t pretty, but then, neither was I.
At the age of six, I experienced trauma that subconsciously shaped me in ways I remained ignorant of until I wasn’t.
At the age of 19, I willingly chose a path I knew, deep down, wasn’t the one I should have chosen. I chose it anyway.
At the age of 21, I’d left my poor choice behind, but carried all the baggage and an eating disorder with me until I couldn’t.
At the age of 34, I broke the vows I’d made in the most selfish way possible. I kept going.
At the age of 42, I lost my father unexpectedly, and something inside me broke. I turned to the bottle.
At the age of 49, our daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed in the bottle.
At the age of 50, my best friend was murdered by the man she’d been seeing. The bottle was all I wanted.
At the age of 51, I stood in the wilderness. The one I’d been headed to for almost as long as I’d been alive.
God doesn’t leave us to wander lost in the wilderness. He relentlessly pursues us.
When I reached for Him, He was there. Often in ways I didn’t realize at the time.
When I chose the wrong path at 19, the pathway home remained open.
At the age of 21, when I was drowning in my mistakes, my Dad came the moment I called and brought me home.
At the age of 22, when anorexia was winning, God placed a life in me that saved my own. It was a miracle.
At the age of 34, when I broke my vows, my husband faithfully kept his. He’s never wavered. Through him, I learned what true forgiveness is.
At the age of 42, when I lost my father and got lost in the bottle once again, my brother gave me a choice. Go into rehab on your own, or I’ll make it happen for you. I went, though I wasn’t ready.
At the age of 49, when our daughter was diagnosed with cancer, God healed her completely. It was another miracle.
At the age of 50, when my best friend was murdered, and in my grief and anger, I gave up completely, God reached for me through my husband and our daughters.
At the age of 51, I entered rehab for the last time, for them.
God had been there all along.
He’d been beside me all along, steady and faithful. Showing me in countless ways, through miracles, and through the people He placed on my path, that He was still with me.
At the age of 51, I finally saw Him. Surrendered to Him and, with Him beside me, began the long journey out of the wilderness.
In the middle of the storm, He took my hand, calmed my fears, and gave me strength to endure.
I bless the broken wilderness.
Without the wilderness, I would not have searched for Him. Without the storm, I would not have sought Him.
He did not leave me to wander lost in the wilderness. He pursued me. Though I tried to hide from Him, fearing my failures were too great, He covered me in grace. When I faltered, He stayed the same.
I bless the broken wilderness, because that’s where I found Him. I bless the storm, because it took the storm for me to reach for Him.
THAT WAS MARCH 22, 2018. TURNS OUT, THE WILDERNESS WASN’T THE END. IT WAS THE BEGINNING.
I DO NOT WALK THIS RECOVERY JOURNEY ALONE.
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