For four weeks, I embarked on a journey. In the beginning, I believed it was necessary because I was weak and incapable of fitting into my life. While that was true in many ways, this journey has proven to be about so much more. It quickly became a journey of the spirit that led me from darkness to profound discovery. Discovery of myself, stripped of the fear, shame, guilt, powerlessness, and self-doubt that has ruled most of my life; clouding my way and preventing me from recognizing the truth. And the truth is: I have always been enough.
The poetry and reflections included in Four Weeks come from the journals I kept during my time in treatment for the eating disorder and alcoholism that darkened my life for decades. Four Weeks is my journey from the darkness. More than that, it is my journey from despair to hope. A hope I long to share with others walking the same path I did for so long. Hope exists in each of us, I have learned, that it is when we surrender to that hope and to the source from which it flows that we begin to heal.
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FIVE STARS! “An inspirational story about how God helps us through our struggles when we surrender all to Him. The author is a gifted writer and you can tell from the poetry that the words were laid on her heart by God. Definitely worth the read.”
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From the Author
Writing Four Weeks was more about the journey than the book itself. Journaling has been part of my life since I was a young girl. I often joke that our daughters will have a field day going through all the notebooks I’ve kept after I’m gone. They will laugh, they will cry, but mostly they will see a woman transitioning through each phase of her life, sometimes broken, sometimes courageous, but always learning, always growing, and most of all who loved them unconditionally from their very first breath.
Four Weeks was written at the beginning of my journey four years ago. In the last four years, I have experienced the devastation of a category five hurricane decimating my hometown, the loss of my sweet mom, and the heartache and grief that followed those losses. Through it all, with God’s mercy and grace, I was provided all the strength I needed to endure. I now know for certain, what I was only beginning to understand then. That recovery truly is, “an every day, by the grace of God, I choose me, I choose them, I’ve come this far, I will not go back, war for my soul that I will not lose”.
The journals I kept during my years of struggle with addiction and anorexia are hard for me to revisit. The words are dark, born from the darkness and struggle raging within me. But I make myself read them. I have to. They are the starkest, most compelling reminder that I never want to travel that road again.
At my darkest, I was powerless. I was hopeless. I was lost. But that’s where my story truly begins. And telling it has been part of the journey. These words that poured out of me in my darkest moments, and in the light, tell it far better than anything else ever could.
The abyss of addiction is daunting. But the freedom I’ve found in recovery, in healing is so much stronger. As I embraced the power of surrender the words began changing. Because I was changing. Though I wasn’t becoming something new, I was simply uncovering who I’d always been.
I think the most beautiful thing about recovery is knowing that I fell apart in the most destructive way imaginable, but by the grace of God, I not only survived, I learned to thrive. And in doing so, I recognize that recovery isn’t a one-time deal. It’s a promise you make every day. First and foremost to yourself. One that requires you to dig deep. To remind yourself why you started. Why it’s imperative that you keep going. Through the tough times, through the good, it matters not. Like all things worth having, it’s a choice. And you have to choose it over and over again.
If Four Weeks finds its way to you at the beginning of your journey, I hope it brings you strength and courage. I hope it reminds you that you are worth every moment of sacrifice and self-discovery you are about to experience. If it finds you in the middle, I hope it reinforces why you began in the first place and inspires the strength you need to keep moving forward. Mostly, I pray that however, whenever it finds you, it solidifies within you that at no time are you alone, that God walks beside you. His love for you is so much stronger than the demons that vie for your soul. He will fight for you, provide for you, and stand before you as you climb this mountain, patiently, steadfastly, waiting for you to reach the place of peace and light He instilled within you even before your first breath.
I pray you reach that place and that it overwhelms your soul so that your journey from darkness, like mine, becomes the greatest gift you’ve ever received.
JN Fenwick (© 2018-2022) | mothjournal14 | Visit me on Pinterest for daily affirmations and words of Faith, Hope, and Love.