THERE ARE SOME JOURNEYS WE WALK ALONE

Facing addiction, grief, and despair are journeys of the soul that must be faced alone. They feel more like battles, but they open us to healing and to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our Creator than we’d ever know without them

For me, 2018 will always be the year I grew up. That might sound corny, seeing as how I was 51 at the time, but there’s no other way to describe it. That was the year I faced my demons. The ones I’d been carrying around with me since childhood. It was also when I understood that there are some journeys we must walk alone. No one else can walk them for us.

However, even on our hardest journeys, we’re never alone.

You see, I understood deep down that if I was going to survive this reckoning, I’d have to rely on someone greater than myself to survive it. After decades of trying to control my life and failing miserably, I was exhausted. My family was exhausted too. Agreeing to enter treatment for both my eating disorder, something I’d struggled with for decades, and my alcoholism was only scratching the surface. There was so much shame, guilt, fear, and anger underneath.

Oh, it occurred to me to run the other way. Who wants to stand in front of the mirror and see themselves, warts, scars, and all? To say I was afraid is an understatement; I was terrified. More than that, I wasn’t sure I was even strong enough to face what lay ahead. Physically, I was frail. Mentally, I was exhausted. Spiritually, I was depleted. There was only one answer, and it found me almost from the moment I set foot in that hospital. I needed to go to the well.

Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.
Isaiah 12:3

Salvation is real, and it is available to all who seek it.

For so long, I believed I was unworthy of salvation. I’d convinced myself that I’d made too many mistakes, let too many people down, and committed too many sins to ever be worthy of forgiveness. The only thing those lies ever bought me was more heartache, more despair, and more importantly, it provided the excuse I needed to continue my selfish behaviors.

Lies are like that. Instinctively, we know they are falsehoods, but we hang on to them anyway, convincing ourselves that the grey area is an ok place to be. It’s not, and accepting and facing that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. No one likes to be lied to, but who exactly do you have to blame when you’re the one who’s been lying to yourself? Yeah, facing myself in the mirror of truth was not pretty, but it was necessary. But I was not alone. Someone was standing beside me in front of that glass. Someone who’d been waiting and who believed I was worthy.

Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.
Acts 4:12

The moment I surrendered is the moment His grace covered me.

I’m here today because of one thing: I surrendered my life and being to God. There’s no other way out of the darkness, because there’s no other love greater than His.

The moment of surrender was a transformation like no other. It was the moment I was released from the dark prison of my mind and the lies that had caged me there for so long. I understood the truth and accepted it, and embraced forgiveness and received it because I felt God’s grace cover me. It was the moment I felt His unconditional, relentless love and welcomed it into my heart and soul.

I still had to do the work, but He gave me the strength.

I still had to do the hard work, but God gave me the strength and the courage to put one foot in front of the other. At no time did He leave me. At no time did He turn away. When my doubts threatened to take hold, when my fears bubbled to the surface, He calmed the waters and beckoned me to trust His timing and His plan.

I learned more about myself in those first few months of recovery than I had throughout my entire life up to that point. More importantly, I learned more about Him. I felt Him in the deepest corners of my soul renewing my faith, my hope, and my strength with every dawn.

Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:39

This was my journey. The one I had to walk alone, though I was never alone. He was there. He still is. For that, I’m grateful. Grateful for the journey and the broken road that led me to salvation.