LOCKED IN

Addiction’s a means to an end. A way to fill the hole. It appears to offer relief, but it doesn’t. It’s a trap.

You’ve heard it all before, but you don’t know it. Listened to the testimonies, but you don’t feel it. You’ve questioned it. Doubted it. Mocked it. But you’ve never reached for it. You’re locked in. 

Instead, you’ve reached for other things.

Quick fixes. Things that promise results without demanding too much of you.

Self-help books. A different pill. A program. Thirty days of reprieve. You can do thirty days. Appease, play along, walk the walk. Never commit.

Those things may work for a while. Until the cycle starts over. And it does. Once the motivation dries up. When you’re on your own again. Once the effort demands more than you’re willing to give. You’re locked in.

There’s a reason it doesn’t work. Not that it can’t, it simply won’t. Not until you face the elephant in the room.

I was suffering and I hated it. I needed it to stop. Everything I did served one thing — escape. It was easy to justify because I’d removed everything in my life that could hold me accountable. I stopped praying. Stopped going to church. Closed myself off. I didn’t want to hear it. If there were no consequences. I could do what I wanted. I went down a very dark path. I was locked in a very dangerous cycle and couldn’t see it.

— JN Fenwick, sober since 3.22.2018

Addiction’s not the root of the problem; it’s the means to an end. 

Whatever form it takes, addiction isn’t the cause; it’s the result. The coping mechanism. The tried and true friend in the darkness. The escape that’s always waiting to end the bad, the fear, the anger, the shame, the trauma. For a while. And a while’s enough. 

Bottom line is, you’re suffering. Suffering’s the axis. Everything else in your life revolves around it. The driving force that propels you to escape is the same one that traps you.

Suffering informs your choices. It’s the barometer that justifies your behaviors. That permits you to continue without any thought to the consequences. According to your barometer, there are none. There can’t be for you to continue.

It’s not an escape you need. It’s a new barometer.

You’re locked in a dangerous cycle.

To break it, you have to go deeper.

You have to go back to the beginning.

To the root of it.

Whatever it is.

You have to face the reality you exist in.

Because you aren’t living. You’re coping.

You aren’t thriving. You’re dying.

You’re locked in. 

And you’ll never break free until you face it. 

Recovery starts with a single step.

Recognizing what you’re about to do and making a different choice. A better one.

Each time you overcome, you gain strength.

Every step in that direction leads you away from addiction and toward more strength.

Until one day, you’re strong enough to break the cycle for good.

You don’t have to see the whole journey.

You just have to take the first brave step.

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JN Fenwick (©2025) | mothjournal14 | All rights reserved. | I DO NOT WALK THIS RECOVERY JOURNEY ALONE.

I’m JN Fenwick.

Wife, mom, but more importantly, a recovering alcoholic with a grateful heart. For years, I struggled, not just with alcohol, but with an eating disorder and the burdens of guilt and shame. On March 22, 2018, I surrendered my life to Christ. I was 51. God did not forsake me. He welcomed me, as undeserving as I am. He did not see my brokenness. Instead, He saw my potential. My Recovery Journey is one of Faith. From the ashes of my failures, God built a fire in me. A fire that guides each step I take. My journey is yours. My healing can be yours, too. God is a mighty warrior. You can take comfort in the promise that the Lord will fight for you and grant you peace. | Exodus 14:14.