THE OVERWHELMING WHY

A few weeks ago we lost my brother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly. Grief is a burden we all carry no matter the circumstances surrounding the loss. But, when we lose someone unexpectedly along with the grief comes the overwhelming why.

It was shocking, that phone call. We were all living our lives and in an instant everything changed. We faced a new unprepared for reality. But, no one more significantly than my sister-in-law.

Their love was remarkable and abiding, an example to all of us.

Keith and Gwenn were high school sweethearts, their lives intertwined for over 55 years. I never remember a time with one without the other.

I began dating Gwenn’s youngest brother, John when I was 21 and was drawn to them immediately. They were a constant source of wisdom, comfort, support, joy, and laughter.

Their love was remarkable and abiding. They shared everything. They embodied the scriptural union described in Song of Solomon 2:16 and the love spoken of in Corinthians chapter 13.

There’s no handbook for grief; no answer for the overwhelming why.

The day following Keith’s passing, I was thinking of Gwenn, consumed with the overwhelming why. It struck me that if I was feeling this vulnerable and unsteady, what must she be going through? What must my nephews, Rob, Austin, and Josh, and their wives and children, Keith’s beloved grandchildren, be experiencing? It was humbling.

I remember my own father’s passing in 2010, watching my mom grieve and experiencing the same overwhelming why. Nothing prepares you for it. There’s no handbook to see you safely through it. You simply go on, one painful gut-wrenching moment at a time.

In the days that followed, I witnessed Gwenn rise with the grace, faith, and fortitude she’s always displayed.

I knew she was strong, but saw it firsthand in those moments.

This was not the first time in her life she experienced unimaginable loss. In 1998, she lost her father after a long battle with cancer. In 2013, she and Keith lost their only daughter, Cassy, to breast cancer. Cassy was only 33. In 2015, she lost her sister, Monica, to brain cancer. Monica was only 56. In October of 2023, she lost her Mom and best friend at the age of 93. She rose during each moment of grief with Keith firmly by her side. This time was different. Keith would not be there.

I could not even begin to fathom the depth of her heartbreak. The magnitude of her overwhelming why. I could only imagine it.

As I always do in times like this, I turned to my journal.

Writing has always brought me solace. Trying to make sense out of the incomprehensible, to answer my own overwhelming why, I wrote out my grief.

The words came but felt inadequate. How do you capture the heartache of losing the love of your life, the soulmate of your heart? Her overwhelming why was all I felt. It was all any of us felt. I know it will be this way for a long time.

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The overwhelming why has come.

I cannot comprehend.

One moment you were here with me,

the next one you were gone.

Your absence overpowers me,

your loss so deep and wide.

It washes over me in waves,

this overwhelming why.

I cling to all the reasons.

Could I have changed it all?

If only I had known its course,

could I have stopped the fall?

We were simply living,

as we’d always done.

Could I have changed the road I’d face,

with the setting of the sun?

Wrapped in this new reality,

I want to turn back time.

Before my heart was shattered by

this overwhelming why.

Each breath I take, ripped from my soul,

from lungs that beg for air.

Nothing to fill the emptiness,

that I am left to bear.

The overwhelming why has come,

and here I stand alone,

longing with everything I am,

that you’d just come back home.

JN Fenwick (© 2024) | mothjournal14

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My Prayer

Lord, please be with Gwenn and the boys and their families. Please walk beside them as they navigate this unexpected detour in their journeys. Comfort and sustain them. Provide the strength and peace they need to live this new reality. Strengthen their faith. Provide solace in their moments of deepest grief. Sanctuary in their moments of greatest need. Increase their awareness of and reliance on You as they face this overwhelming why. Remind them of Your faithfulness. Assure them that your loving and faithful servant, Keith, is safely in Your arms. And that he, along with Cassy and all who have gone before, is awaiting them in Heaven. In Your most Holy Name, I pray.

Amen.