Eight years into my recovery journey, I look back to find that what I’d believed to be an overwhelming task was always possible with God.
In March of 2018, I entered the Orlando Recovery Center at the behest of my family. Uncertain if I had the strength to overcome the battle I’d been waging for the better part of three decades, I was terrified that this would be my last chance. The task before me was overwhelming.
I wanted to succeed, but I just didn’t know if I had it in me. For years, I’d struggled. The shame and guilt I carried were paralyzing. Weakened by years of alcoholism and an eating disorder, I couldn’t fathom that peace would ever find me. I’d wasted so many chances. I was physically beaten and mentally exhausted. The dark voices in my mind always won. I was sure this time would be no different.
I had so much to lose, including my life. Yet, I still doubted that freedom from this self-induced prison was attainable. As I sit here now, I often wonder what changed. The only answer that comes is the grace of God and recognizing the power of the Holy Spirit within me.
JN Fenwick
Awareness Overwhelming
Awareness overwhelming,
the moment I sought Your face.
Comfort unconditional,
the moment I felt Your Grace.
You stood between me
and the darkness of defeat.
You opened Your arms,
told me, “Lay it at My feet.
You never faltered,
even when my faith grew dim.
You never wavered,
despite the measure of my sin.
You stretched Your arms out
and wrapped me willingly,
in the warmth of Your healing Love,
where Your Mercy set me free.
Awareness overwhelming,
the moment I sought Your face.
Freedom unconditional,
the moment I felt Your Grace.
You offered healing
when I was lost and broken.
Answered my prayers,
the moment that I spoke them.
Welcomed me home,
though I had gone astray.
Returned me to Your keeping.
Promised You would stay,
beside me, no matter
how hard the road became,
That all would be well,
by the power of Your Name.
JN Fenwick (© 2023-2026)
God did not come to me loudly. He came to me in a whisper.
His whisper was enough.
My awareness of His presence within me was immediate and overwhelming. His love was unconditional and powerful. Truly, it was the most powerful thing I’d ever known. In that moment, I irrevocably placed myself in His hands. I surrendered everything. There was no other pathway out of the darkness. I know that now because I finally understand that the peace I longed for was never in this world; it was always in Him.
I cannot explain it any better than that.
My transformation was immediate. The cover of darkness I’d existed in instantly lifted, and I was enveloped by the Light of Truth.
The road to healing was a long and arduous one, but it was one I had to travel. I had to face myself and accept responsibility for all my poor choices. Coming face-to-face with my demons was the hardest, but also the most necessary thing I’ve ever done. What lay behind me was a path of so much destruction I doubted I’d ever rise above it.
Faith assured me that I would.
Now Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen.
By placing my faith in God and ceding Him full reign over my life, I received the courage and humility I needed to walk the path. Relinquishing all the lies and all the turmoil into His capable hands, I’m renewed daily. My conviction grows stronger. My faith feeds my spirit as I learn to feed and nurture my body.
The seeds of hope God planted within my soul have taken root and grown.
Today, those seeds are a mighty forest.
The mountain that once seemed insurmountable is now a small bump in the road. The prison I’d isolated myself within has disintegrated. Freedom and peace live within me as they never have before.
Through Christ, I’ve tasted forgiveness. Relationships, once brittle, have been restored. Doubt, once so prevalent within me, has given way to true conviction and wisdom that only comes from God.
You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
All the lies I once believed fell apart when faced with the Light of Truth.
I wasn’t unworthy or irrevocably lost.
As a child of God, I wasn’t beyond redemption. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and resurrection assured me that the kingdom of Heaven was real and open to me just as it is to every soul that seeks it.
Safe in the arms of Jesus, I experienced peace. I continue to experience it every day. So much so that no matter what trials and tribulations I face, I know with certainty He’s beside me in all things. That’s where peace comes from. In knowing Jesus walks with me. Through Him, freedom from this world and all its troubles is attainable.
God stands between me and overwhelming darkness. He always has.
It’s taken me a lifetime to reach this place. A lifetime of disappointment and disillusionment. A lifetime of self-inflicted suffering. Years of abuse and projecting that pain onto others. Decades of hiding behind a mask of shame and drowning my soul in a bottle of despair.
The second I surrendered was the second I truly began to live. But it hasn’t been just any life. It’s the life I was ordained to live. A life that’s only possible as long as I remain steadfast, faithful, and open to God’s presence within me.
Faith changed my perspective.
I’m no longer bound to the finite understanding of this life. Instead, I’ve tapped into the infinite well of grace and insight only faith in God provides. Safe in the arms of Jesus, I experience saving faith and the eternal life inseparably connected to it.
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
my turmoil slipped away.
Surrounded by His grace and love,
I found the strength to pray.
The first words I quietly uttered,
“Please take this hurt from me,
I do not have the power, Lord,
to set my own soul free.”
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
He took my guilt and shame,
and granted me Salvation,
purchased in His name.
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
His presence led the way,
vanquishing the darkness,
summoning the light of day.
Following in His footsteps,
the chains long binding me,
were broken by the power of,
His Sacrifice and Strength.
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
I left my cage behind,
and walked into the valley,
of Love and Peace divine.
There, the once dark shadows,
that had long enveloped me,
departed as the Light of Truth,
rose up to set me free.
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
by the power of His Name,
I left that valley whole and free.
My life forever changed.
JN Fenwick (© 2023-2026)
My Prayer
For those struggling in the darkness of addiction and doubt, I pray that the Light of Truth, the Conviction of Faith, and the Power of Surrender take root in your souls. I pray you seek the Freedom and Peace that only comes by willingly and wholly relinquishing your entire being to God. And that just as I have been granted healing grace, you too find forgiveness and respite safe in the arms of Jesus. Amen.
JN Fenwick (©2026) | mothjournal14 | All rights reserved. | I DO NOT WALK THIS RECOVERY JOURNEY ALONE.
I’m JN Fenwick.
Wife, mom, but more importantly, a recovering alcoholic with a grateful heart. For years, I struggled, not just with alcohol, but with an eating disorder and the burdens of guilt and shame. On March 22, 2018, I surrendered my life to Christ. I was 51. God did not forsake me. He welcomed me, as undeserving as I am. He did not see my brokenness. Instead, He saw my potential. My Recovery Journey is one of Faith. From the ashes of my failures, God built a fire in me. A fire that guides each step I take. My journey is yours. My healing can be yours, too. God is a mighty warrior. You can take comfort in the promise that the Lord will fight for you and grant you peace.
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