GRIEF CHANGES US

Everyone experiences loss in this life. Not one of us is immune to it. With loss comes grief, and grief changes us.

Goodbyes are hard. It doesn’t matter whether we’re prepared for them or if they come unexpectedly; we experience loss. Grief changes us because loss changes us.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. 

— Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Grief is a process.

We’re all familiar with the five stages of grief; the phases we go through after the loss of a loved one. Psychiatrist, humanitarian, and hospice pioneer, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the concept in her 1969 bestselling book, On Death & Dying.

On Death and Dying emerged from a series of interviews Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross conducted with dying patients, an approach unheard of at the time. Her insistence that the dying had wisdom to share—and deserved to be heard—challenged the medical status quo. Though controversial, her ideas resonated deeply with both the public and health professionals, leading to widespread acclaim and global attention. On Death and Dying became a bestseller and a cornerstone of hospice care and grief counseling curricula around the world.

— The Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation

Grief requires us to feel.

Grief affects us differently. We move through it in stages, though not always in order or in the same way. We go through a similar process when we face any loss in our lives. Like the loss of a job, a pet, a relationship, or when we experience natural disasters or life-altering illness. Those losses impact our lives just as deeply.

We grieve because we innately understand that things have changed and what was is no longer possible. Grief requires us to experience the pain that loss brings. Experiencing the pain, allowing ourselves to feel, isn’t easy. Perhaps, it’s because we know that by experiencing it we’re moving closer to accepting the loss. In the beginning, we’re not truly able to process much of anything; all we do is feel. That can be scary.

People often say, “I don’t know how you’re doing it.” I tell them that I’m not. I’m not deciding to wake up in the morning. I just do. Then I put one foot in front of the other because there’s nothing else to do. Whether I like it or not, my life is continuing, and I have decided to be part of it.

— David Kessler

Grieving takes time.

It’s hard to believe, at first, that we’ll ever get to a place of acceptance. Our emotions are just too raw. Our loss is everything. It’s all we’re focused on. However, as time passes, as we begin to navigate the new landscape of our lives, we subconsciously begin moving forward. That doesn’t mean everything’s fine. It simply means we’re trying to function as best we can. Every loss is different.

I remember when my parents passed away. Dad died in 2010 and Mom in 2021. At the time, losing my father was the hardest loss I’d ever experienced. His illness was brief; he passed within weeks of the initial diagnosis. There wasn’t a lot of time to prepare, though I’m not sure I would’ve ever been ready. My Dad was my rock, and I didn’t handle losing him well at all. It took me many years and facing a lot of things that I’d been holding on to before I was able to find acceptance and peace.

When Mom passed eleven years later, the experience was markedly different. I found comfort in knowing that she was reunited with Dad. I was also more at peace because I’d spent time with her in the months before her death. We’d shared many conversations, hugs, and so much love. I think the hardest thing for me and the thing I grieved for most when Mom passed was that both my parents were gone — that, in a sense, I was now an orphan.

Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope. When someone dies, the relationship doesn’t die with them.

— David Kessler

We grieve because we love.

There’ve been many losses in my life since, both personal and those I’ve witnessed people I love go through. They’re all different, impacting each of us in different ways. I don’t know what losing my spouse feels like, but my sister and my sister-in-law do. I don’t know what losing a child is like, but my brother and sister-in-law do. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a sibling, but my husband does.

Though we may not always know exactly what another’s loss feels like, we do know what love is. We know what it feels like to love and to be loved. With that understanding, we’re able to put ourselves in another’s shoes and to offer comfort from a place of compassion. We feel for them because we love them. We comfort them because grief is a thing we hold in common, just like love.

With loss comes grief, and grief changes us. And that’s ok. It’s part of the circle of our lives. Because so is love.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

— Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

GRIEF CHANGES US

Grief changes us,

like few things ever will.

It leaves a heaviness,

we’ll carry the rest of our lives.

An absence time can’t erase.

An empty place no one else can fill.

We’ll move on,

but we’ll never be the same.

And how could we be?

We grieve because we love.

And love stays with us,

through the loss.

And so we carry it,

not because we have to,

but because we choose to.

For them.

For all they were,

and for who we were with them.

Because that’s what love demands.

That we hold on through the pain,

trusting in the promise,

believing with everything we are,

that love doesn’t end with goodbye.

JN Fenwick (© 2025) | mothjournal14

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JN Fenwick/mothjournal14 (© 2025) | All rights reserved.