There comes a moment when we all stand at the crossroads. The crossroads of who we think we are and who we are. That moment is a defining one. Why? Because, in that moment, the choice we make determines whether we’ll be free or continue to suffer.
I stood at the crossroads almost eight years ago. A lifetime of alcoholism, eating disorders, poor choices, and sin weighed me down. Overwhelmed by the sheer weight of it all, I hit bottom. The force of the blow took me to my knees. I was defenseless and certain that I would not, could not survive. That I’d finally reached the end. But I was wrong.
It wasn’t the end, it was the beginning.
The crossroads stood before me. Down one path was everything I’d ever known. My illusion of who I thought I was and what I believed defined me. Down the other was the unknown. An unknown that still offered a tiny seed of hope, despite it all. It was that tiny seed that called to me in the darkness.
In that moment, by the grace of God, I chose hope. That choice changed everything.
First and foremost, it changed my perception. For the majority of my adult life, I’d focused on building a wall to protect the fragile being within me. I’d constructed so many layers to shield her from the world. My driving needs for perfection, escape, and acknowledgment had only served to bury her deeper. The lock on my cage was reinforced again and again. I suffered. Those around me suffered. The chasm between who I thought I was and who I was grew wider. Until all that was left was darkness.
The crossroad shed light on the reality of it all. And I recognized it for what it was. I’d stood there before and had made the wrong choice countless times. Fear of the unknown had always been so much stronger than any desire I had to make a different choice. I’d clung to my illusions. They allowed me to continue down the road I knew. They justified my choices. In my mind, they absolved me of responsibility. They had to. Otherwise, why hold on to them so tightly?
It was a vicious cycle, as all cycles of trauma are.
The only way to break it is to make a different choice.
My defining moment at the crossroads came not because I’d finally had that epiphany, but because I was so broken and weary I could go no further on my own. In my weakness, I reached out to the only source of strength I still had, as tiny as it was. And from that small seed of hope grew faith that moved mountains.
I was not alone at the crossroads. God stood beside me. He always had. Just because I refused to acknowledge Him didn’t mean He wasn’t there. God does not abandon us. Ever. However, we do turn our backs on Him. That too is a choice. Understanding that was my defining moment. It opened my eyes and my heart to the truth. The truth that set me free.
John 8:32 reminds us that truth is real, and that when we know the truth, it sets us free.
The truth revealed to me in the darkness of my despair was this: I am not the total of the trauma and poor choices that I cling to. They only define me because I give them that power. I am so much more than that. I am a child of God, imbued with His Spirit and worthy of His mercy and grace. We all are.
Yet, that most important and powerful part of myself was buried so far beneath the rubble of my shame that I could not reach her. Had forgotten she even existed. Reaching her would require me to uncover, face, and accept my past in its entirety. There was no other way. The peace I so longed for lay down that unknown path. The one I had to choose if I was ever going to be free.
The crossroads stood before me, and the choice was mine.
With God’s unwavering promise that He’d walk beside me every step of the way, my journey of recovery began. It wasn’t easy. It was never going to be. I could no longer hide. I had to face my demons. All of them. More than that, I had to accept them. Understand that though I could not change my past, I could, with God’s help, diminish its power over me.
As I began my journey, I was scared. I’m not going to lie and say any of it was easy. It was the hardest choice and the hardest journey I’d ever made. I had to die to myself again and again. Let go completely of my ego and any illusion that I was in control. I had to unpack all those layers. Face and accept them exactly as they were. More importantly, I had to forgive. Not just others, but myself too. Without forgiveness, there’d be no progress, no escape from the cage I’d built or the illusions I’d clung to.
I had to acknowledge that I could never change the past. It was already done. All I could do was accept it. Stop beating myself bloody against it. It wasn’t going to move or change. But I could. I could and would learn to exist peacefully with it. It was the acceptance that diminished its power over me. Without its power, it no longer dictated my thoughts, choices, or actions. One by one, all my carefully constructed layers fell away.
My eyes and heart opened to the truth and purpose that had existed within me all along.
That’s the beauty of recovery and the gift.
Once I crossed over that threshold, my life changed. Not so much because I’d changed, but because I’d been revealed. And the revelation was the turning point. Once known, it could not be unknown. It welled up within me and could not be undone. As long as I chose it and the light and life it contained, nothing could or would ever overcome it.
I thank God every day for the crossroad. For the strength and courage He provided. For faithfully guiding me through the darkness. He renewed His promises every morning. Showered His grace and mercy upon me. Calmed every fear. Shattered every illusion. Brought me safely into the fullness of life that can only be found in Him. AMEN.
Nothing in this world
can diminish or destroy
the Spirit of God within me.
The moment I accepted,
surrendered, and forgave,
my Being was filled
with the Light of Truth.
The Power of Presence.
The Infinite Peace that exists within.
Darkness cannot stand against it.
Neither can fear.
For once exposed,
NOTHING can extinguish its Light.
It is the Spirit of God within us
that reveals Truth.
And is in Truth, and Truth alone,
that we are all set free.
JN Fenwick (© 2021-2025) | @mothjournal14
JN Fenwick/mothjournal14 © 2024-2025 | All rights reserved. | I DO NOT WALK THIS RECOVERY JOURNEY ALONE.
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