SHARING MY STORY IS PART OF THE JOURNEY

Sharing our recovery stories is part of the healing process.

It’s taken me almost six years walking this path of recovery to feel that I’m ready to talk about it. To share my story of God’s overwhelming love. To share the journey of faith and healing I’m on.

At first, it was too new. I was a fledgling. Walking on shaking legs. I was overwhelmed by all the changes occurring around and within me. It was hard to talk about. I didn’t have the words.

Daily, I journaled, writing poetry, keeping a diary of sorts, of my progress, my thoughts, and my feelings. I read a lot of scripture and prayed. But for the most part, I didn’t verbalize what I was going through.

I didn’t feel ready. I hadn’t even told my siblings and extended family I was going into the hospital for treatment. Only my husband, our daughters, and my sister, Laura knew where I was. Perhaps, it was because this was my second attempt at recovery and I didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up. Or maybe, it was because I was afraid of the stigma of being a “repeat offender.”

Whatever the reason, I kept things close to the vest. So close, that it wasn’t until about six months after I got out of the hospital that I began to open up a bit.

During that first six months, I wrote daily.

Initially, I wrote to chronicle my journey. But as time moved forward, I began writing about the things I was learning. How important it was to take things one day, one step, one moment at a time. I wrote poetry inspired by the scriptures I read and the transformation happening within and around me.

For the most part, my husband was the only person I shared with. He was there daily encouraging me, lifting me, praying with and for me.

He’d been there through all that darkness and was my biggest champion. He wanted this healing for me, for us, as much as I wanted it for myself.

Since going through rehab in 2018, I’ve written a lot about my recovery journey. I’ve shared my writings on my blog. I published a book of poetry written during the four weeks I was in the hospital and shortly after coming home.

My sister, Laura, a licensed clinical social worker, has asked me numerous times if I’d like to speak at one of her group meetings or community events. Yet, I’ve been hesitant to do so.

It’s not that I’m afraid of public speaking. I’m a former teacher and have given many public addresses. It’s more that I truly believe I needed to give myself time on this new path. Time to truly learn about myself. To strengthen my relationship with God and my family. Time to grow in my recovery.

Most of all, I’ve hesitated because I want to make sure that my motivation to share my story is not about me.

Let’s face it, as addicts and alcoholics, we’re pretty selfish and self-centered. We know how to manipulate people and situations.

I knew early on in my journey that I had a lot of work to do. And a lot of healing. Not just for myself, but also in my relationships with my husband, our daughters, and my family.

Healing those relationships would take time. It wouldn’t be through words either. It would only be through my actions. My actions would show the people I love most that they could trust me. That they could believe in me. That this time was truly different. I owed them that time and the chance to share their pain, the pain I’d caused them, with me.

I needed to listen more than I needed to speak.

The desire to share my story has always been there.

It’s just taken time. Time that I needed to grow from a fledgling into a faithful and grateful servant. One who understands that my journey continues every day. I’m still learning, still growing, and still healing every day.

Recovery isn’t a finite thing. It’s an everyday choice. It’s the same with faith. I have to choose every day, every minute, to place my trust in God. To surrender, again and again, to His presence within me. I have to choose His grace and mercy, over my selfish desires.

God is the reason I’ve made it this far. He’s the reason I’m still here. The reason I have a story to tell. And God is the reason I’m finally ready to say yes the next time my sister asks me to share it.

For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.

Ephesians | 5: 8

JN Fenwick (© 2024) | mothjournal14